- Oh, you can’t get to heaven (Oh, you can’t to heaven)
- On roller skates. (On roller skates.)
- You’ll roll right by (You’ll roll right by)
- Those pearly gates. (Those pearly gates.)
Oh, you can’t get to heaven on roller skates.- You’ll roll right by those pearly gates.
- I ain’t a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
- I ain’t a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
- I ain’t a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
- I ain’t a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
Other verses include:
- Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a rocking chair
- ‘Cause the rocking chair won’t take you there.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a trolley car- ‘Cause the gosh darn thing won’t go that far.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven on a rocket ship- ‘Cause the rocket ship won’t take that trip.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven with powder and paint- ‘Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a limousine- ‘Cause the Lord don’t sell no gasoline.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven on a pair of skis- ‘Cause you’ll schuss right through St. Peter’s knees.
If you get to heaven before I do,- Just bore a hole and pull me through.
If I get to heaven before you do,- I’ll plug that hole with shavings and glue.
“That’s all there is. There ain’t no more,”- St. Peter said, and closed the door.
You’ll never get to heaven on a Boy Scout’s knee,- ‘Cos a Boy Sscout’s knee is too hairy!
- (Scouts sing….on a Girl Guide’s knee…too wobbly)!!
You’ll never get to heaven in dirty jeans,- ‘Cos the Lord don’t have no washing machines.
You’ll never get to heaven on a playtex bra,- ‘Cos a playtex bra won’t stretch that far.
You’ll never get to heaven in a rocking chair,- ‘Cos the Lord He keeps no lazybones there.
You’ll never get to heaven on a bottle of gin,- ‘Cos the Lord won’t let no drunkards in.
You’ll never get to heaven on a bottle of stout,- ‘Cos the Lord he throws all drunkards out.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven if your newly wed- Cause the Lord ain’t got no double bed!
You’ll never get to heaven on a ping pong ball- ‘Cos a ping pong ball is far too small!
You’ll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin- ‘Cos the Lord don’t let no crummy ones in!
You’ll never get to heaven on a Boy Scout’s knee- ‘Cos you never know where his hands will be!!!
- [To be sung in selected company!]
You’ll never get to Heaven in [someone’s name]’s car- ‘Cos [someone’s name]’s car won’t get that far! (or: stops at every bar)
You’ll never get to Heaven with a dog as a pet- ‘Cos the Lord ain’t got no lamp posts yet!
You’ll never get to heaven in a jumbo jet- ‘Cos the Lord ain’t got no runways yet!
You’ll never get to heaven in a bottle of gin- ‘Cos the Lord won’t let no spirits in!
You’ll never get to heaven in a bottle of whisky- ‘Cos the Lord don’t like his angels frisky!
If you get there before I do- Just dig a hole and pull me through.
If I get there before you do- I’ll dig a hole and spit on you!
“And that is all,” St Peter said- As he closed the gates and went to bed.
There are three things you must not do:- You must not spit or smoke or chew.
Oh you’ll never get to heaven in a baked bean tin- ‘Cos a baked bean tin’s got baked beans in!
You can’t get to heaven in an electric chair,- ‘Cause the Lord don’t allow no fried meat there!
You can’t get to heaven in a strapless gown,- ‘Cause the Lord’s afraid it might fall down!
Oh you can’t get to heaven with hippy hair,- The Lord don’t allow that mess up there!
Oh you can’t get to heaven in a mini skirt,- The Lord don’t allow that girlie flirt.
Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a Kleenex box,- ‘Cause the Lord don’t allow no little snots!